The husband's left me alone for a few hours, and I just don't know how to cope.
The house grows sickly quiet, and the voices from the street magnify. A crackling hackle as someone tells a joke. The shrill whistle of the night watchman. The occasional rattle of a passing car.
I was the kid that grew up in solitude and build up my own world around me. I thrived in my aloneness. I thought tales, and drew images in my brain with stories and histories and possibilities. I loved the feel of the warmth of Spring, as I lazed in a hallway, reading and feeling the wind ruffle my toes. The bouncing heads of roses from the garden. The rapidness of being. Standing at windowsills deep into the night inventing stories for passerbys. Practising morse code with a torch.
Now I have no idea what to do when K leaves. I just panic. I haven't had much time on my own in these last 3 years and it scares me. Is this what marriage makes you? An unsortable mess of a human when you're left to your own devices. To always be waiting until the SO walks in again. To mope around texting, when will you reach? until you hear the main door latch open.
If there's anything I resent about marriage, it's the inability to enjoy myself. Oh to be empty of thought and longing, and just dip you fingers in the pond of serenity.
I should have bloody written that novel before I met you, K.
The house grows sickly quiet, and the voices from the street magnify. A crackling hackle as someone tells a joke. The shrill whistle of the night watchman. The occasional rattle of a passing car.
I was the kid that grew up in solitude and build up my own world around me. I thrived in my aloneness. I thought tales, and drew images in my brain with stories and histories and possibilities. I loved the feel of the warmth of Spring, as I lazed in a hallway, reading and feeling the wind ruffle my toes. The bouncing heads of roses from the garden. The rapidness of being. Standing at windowsills deep into the night inventing stories for passerbys. Practising morse code with a torch.
Now I have no idea what to do when K leaves. I just panic. I haven't had much time on my own in these last 3 years and it scares me. Is this what marriage makes you? An unsortable mess of a human when you're left to your own devices. To always be waiting until the SO walks in again. To mope around texting, when will you reach? until you hear the main door latch open.
If there's anything I resent about marriage, it's the inability to enjoy myself. Oh to be empty of thought and longing, and just dip you fingers in the pond of serenity.
I should have bloody written that novel before I met you, K.
No comments:
Post a Comment